The Process of Becoming
Nanna Juul Lanng. 21. Woman. Danish. Cat lover. Writer. Bibliophile. Vegetarian. Feminist. Autistic.
Jamie is sick! :( He’s been vomiting more than 6 times today and it’s not even evening yet.
I worry the groomer might have given him something or added some chemicals to his coat that is making him like this.
If he hasn’t gotten better by tomorrow morning, I’m taking him to the vet ASAP.
My poor baby… I hate to see him like this.
My head is wrapped in gauze. The skin around my right eye is swollen and black. Why is this?
Surgery! I’ve had surgery done! The dermoid cyst above my right eye has been removed today under full anaesthesia, which was a first for me. I panicked before they even pricked me with the damn needle (needle phobia anyone?). I wasn’t allowed any sedatives. Eventually, step by step, I was under and I woke after after pleasant dreams in a bed with my mother sitting next to me. I wasn’t even under for an hour.
Anyway: gauze around my head, which is to stay there for 3 days. I’m on painkillers and I’m swollen and blue.
Thank God it’s over with!!
Love to you all,
Nanna
I cannot sleep these days
and when I finally manage to
I end up stuck in nightmares
mostly about running away
from myself or someone else
and I wish it wasn’t like this,
but I don’t know what to do.
My head hurts
My body hurts
My heart hurts
But I don’t feel sick or stressed
well maybe I do, but not really.
Most of all I just feel out of place.
My boyfriend is spending Christmas with my parents and siblings and I’m very excited about that.
It feels real.
had a wonderful evening with my parents and my boyfriend. we ate, became confused and petted the cats. we even watched ‘true grit’, which is a great film by the way, especially since my love held me the entire time, not that is was scary though.
I have a good feeling about all of this even though I don’t seem to have many good feelings at all these days - the only good ones are related to him.
this morning was awful and I cried too much and my eyes decided not to recover before picking him up at his place. he still preferred me without sunglasses.
he’s good to me.
GOOD DAY
I had my first session with my new psychologist today.
It went really well and I’m so relieved.
She had read all my papers from doctors/therapists/etc. through the years, but decided she’d like to spend the few sessions just listening to MY words, MY side of the story.
AND she’s used to working with women on the spectrum.
I feel understood…
Nanna is very happy.
‘A Productive Citizen’
Sometimes the world moves by too fast it seems and I have trouble keeping up. It’s not that I don’t have time enough on my hands; in fact I have quite a lot of it, not being able to work or study. But I don’t have the energy to do all the things I need to and hence the world seethes past me and the mountain of tasks I have to perform grows and by the time I’ve climbed a meter it’s grown by twelve.
As a hopeless introvert I sometimes forget to limit the points on my to do-list to one or two things a day, so that I have time to recharge alone. That’s all I can handle. I suffer from chronic stress due to constantly being overstimulated physically and sensory and equally as understimulated intellectually.
There’s a mismatch between the things I should and have to do and the things I’m capable of and want to do.
Cue: depressive mood and anxiety.
I wish people would understand that I’m really not lazy and I don’t have a bad attitude. If I could I would be an active person, I’d be studying and working my ass off. There are dreams I’ve had to give up on in order to save myself. Don’t think you understand me better than I understand myself. Generic advice such as; ‘just make it a habit’, ‘exercising would give you more energy’, ‘stop telling yourself you cannot do it. If you didn’t you’d be able to do [x].’ DO NOT WORK. Stop jeopardizing my mental health because you have a wrong perception of what a productive citizen is.
/rant
